中外幽默笑话集锦

中外幽默笑话集锦篇一：精选爆笑笑话集锦

1. 你拉着一头猪逛街，很幸福的样子。 我经过，满怀同情地说：“看一个人的档次，就看他跟谁在一起。” 话未说完，就看到猪很鄙夷地弃你而去。

2. 一个人带着他的助手去打高尔夫球，第一球没打进，大骂：“他妈的打偏了，”助手对他说：“不要骂人，会被雷劈的。”第二球打了出去，又没进：“他妈的又打偏了。”这时风云大变，一道闪电劈了下来，把那个助手劈死了，打球的那个人正纳闷，不是骂人才会被劈嘛。。。这是天上传来一句话：“他妈的我也打偏了。”。。

3. 大学有一哥们从来口无遮拦，但是常被我们驳倒，每次被驳倒之后，他总气急败坏地说：“我诅咒你女朋友不是处女！”这招还真灵，大家都拿他没办法。 有一天，他故伎重演，还变本加厉地骂道：“我诅咒你们宿舍所有人的女朋友都不是处女！！！”

这时，宿舍里很少言语的一个GG在大家沉默的时候来了一句：“我们真诚祝福你的女朋友永远都是处女……”

4. 甲老师在批改英语作文，忽然大发雷霆：“我从来没看过这么烂的英语作文。” 乙老师见状问：“写的是什么啊？”

甲老师：“写一个王子和公主的故事。”

“不错呀！”乙说。

“他竟然在开头写王子问公主?Can you speak Chinese??公主回答?Yes?，接下来的全部都是中文！”

5. 在一个非常非常寒冷的早晨，哥与朋友 去提款机取钱。正好遇见运钞车来加钞。无奈之下 两人只好站在一旁苦苦等候，这时朋友问我：“冻 手不？”哥冷冷地回一句：“冻手！” 结果四 杆枪瞬间指向俺俩，俺俩差点悲剧 ......(难过)

6. 我一朋友在联通实习，一天，一老头走近来，劈头盖脸就来句“给我办张移动卡，好吧？”然后我那朋友头也不抬的就来句：“师傅，有人来砸场子！” 7. 犯人被执行枪决，由于子弹质量不好，第一枪没响，接着又开了第二枪。。。第三枪。。。这时犯人哭了，抱着法警的大腿说：大哥你掐死我把！太他妈吓人了.....

8. 某精神病院听说领导要来医院视察情况，于是，院长召集所的病人开会在会上， 院长讲道：“今天下午，有很重要的领导要来参观，所有的人都要去门口欢迎。在欢 迎的时候，所有病人站在医院大门口两边，要站整齐，当我咳嗽的时候，大家一起鼓 掌，越热烈越好；我跺脚的时候必须全部停止，不能有一个出错。要大家都做好了， 今天晚上可以给大家吃肉包子，只要有一个人弄砸了，所有的人都没有包子吃，记住 了吗？”台下病人一起喊道：“记住了！” 这天下午，领导准时到来，当他步入大门的时候，欢迎的病人已在门口站好了这 时，随着院 长一声咳嗽，所有的病人一起鼓掌欢迎，气氛十分热烈。来参观的领导 受到热烈气氛的感染，面带笑容，和大家一起鼓掌步入医院。见领导已经走进了医 院，院长一跺脚，所的掌声都停止了，非常整齐。只有这位领导还在面带笑容一边鼓 掌一前行，院长感到非常满意。忽然，从欢迎的人群里窜出来一个壮如施瓦辛格的病 人，大步冲到领导面前，抡圆了给了他一个大耳光，气愤异常地吼道——“你丫不想吃包子了？！！！”

9. 酒吧里，乔治独自在喝着啤酒。他突然觉得自己要去洗手间，他怕离开后有

人偷喝他的啤酒，便在桌上写了一张纸条：“我在杯中吐了口水。”他回来后，发现纸上又加了一句：“我也吐了一口。”。。。

10. 一次军事演戏中，一棵炮弹偏离很远。派去查看的士兵发现，炮弹落在农田

里，田中站着一农民，衣衫破碎满面漆黑，双眼含泪的说：偷棵白菜，犯得着用炮轰吗？？？

11. 飞机上，一只鹦鹉对空姐说：“给爷来杯水”，猪也学鹦鹉，对空姐说：“给爷

来杯水”，空姐大怒，将鹦鹉和猪都扔下了飞机。这时鹦鹉对猪说：“傻了吧，爷会飞。”

13.某日，一个大学老师提问一学生，树上有十只鸟，开枪打死一只，还剩几只？ 学生反问：是无声手枪吗？不是枪声有多大？80-100分贝。在这个城市打鸟犯不犯法？不犯。您确定那只鸟真的被打死了吗？确定。这时，老师已经不耐烦了：“，你告诉我还剩几只鸟就行了，OK？树上的鸟里有没有聋子？没有。有没有被关在笼子里挂在树上的？没有。边上有没有其他的树，树上还有没有其他的鸟？没有。如果有鸟怀孕了，算不算肚子里的小鸟？不算。 打鸟的人眼有没有花？没有花，就十只。教师已经是满头是汗，且下课铃响，但学生继续问：有没有傻得不怕死的鸟？都怕死。会不会一枪打死两只？不会。学生满怀信心地说：，如果您的回答没有骗人“打死的鸟要是挂在树上没有掉下来，那么就剩一只，如果掉下来，就一只不剩。老师当即口吐白沫倒在地上！

14. 有两个造假钞的不小心造出面值15元的假钞，两人决定拿到偏远山区花掉，当他们拿一张15元买了1元的糖葫芦好，他们哭了，农民找了他们两张7块的。

15夏天，一只长颈鹿遇到一只兔子，她对兔子很得意地炫耀她的脖子： 啊，小兔子，你知道有个长长的脖子多好吗？你知道那些最高处的树叶是多么鲜嫩甜美吗？你知道夏天喝水的感觉吗？清爽的水慢慢经过脖子，兔子看了她一眼，只说了一句：”你试过吐没有？”

16,“老婆，刘翔比赛马上就开始了，你看选手都准备下蹲起跑了，让我看完咱们再做好吗？”

“不嘛不嘛，人家现在就想要！”

男人无奈关了电视，与老婆大干一番。

完事之后，男人打开电视， 电视里解说员激动地喊着：“刘翔冲刺！赢了！冠军！ 12秒97！”

17某男见同事将情人电话备注改成10086后，多次在紧急情况下脱险，便也效仿。某天晚上，该男第一次在妻子面前接到情人电话，还故意让妻子看来电显示：10086。

看完，妻子立刻抢过手机，将电话中正撒娇的女人一顿臭骂，然后对丈夫吼道：“你当老娘傻啊！你用的是联通卡，10086给你打电话，串门走亲戚啊？”

18. 联通推出iphone沃信来对抗微信。据知情人士透露联通将会继续推出专门为iphone设计的座充“沃槽”，手机支架“沃靠”，屏幕清洁布“沃擦”，地图软件“沃去”，日历插件“沃日”，播放器“沃勒歌去”！

19. 老爸接孩子从幼儿园回家，路上孩子对他说：爸爸，我累了。老爸对孩子说：咱俩数到三，爸爸就抱你走，行不行？ 孩子很高兴的答应了。然后，老爸大声说：预备——齐步走！1、2、1；1、2、1；1、2、1。。。他们俩一路走回家了。。。

20一游泳教练在商场里购物。一个漂亮的女士向他打招呼。他定睛一看，是他的一个学员。他于是大声说到：“你穿上衣服，还真认不出你！”

21. 电脑老是蓝屏，无奈把我的好哥们叫来检查一下。 他来了看了足足十分钟，然后问我：“你显示器是不是哈六生产的？” 我没听明白，随便应了句：“恩！” 随后他说：“哈药六厂生产的就是蓝屏的！

22. 不要跟电子眼怄气今天我在开车时，测速电子眼闪了我一下。我绝对没有超速，于是我又回去以更慢的速度经过那个电子眼，它又闪了。我很疑惑，就又试了一次，它果然又闪了。觉得好玩，我就以龟速又通过了它。后来我因为没系安全带收到了4张罚单。

23. 大清早，一哥们对我说：“看新闻了吗？出六级试卷那砖家被劫匪绑架了，劫匪让拿一千万赎人，要不然就用汽油烧死。现在正募捐着呢，咱也捐点吧。 ”我说：“好，大家伙儿一般都捐多少？”那哥们说：“看情况吧，有捐2升的，也有捐10升的。。。

24半年前，为了鞭策自己减肥，我坚持每天记录自己的体重，填入Excel表格，生成一个走势图……今天，同事经过我的座位，只见他走过去了又若有所思地倒了回来，趴我耳边悄悄问：那个……能不能透露一下，你这是哪只股票啊？走势蛮好的……蛮好的……好的……的…

25．10 9 8 7 6 。。。 1 起床！东风一号跟踪正常，遥测信号正常，手机闹钟提示正常，内衣穿着正常，外套穿着正常，棉被展开正常，身体与床板正在分离，身体与床板正在。。。分离。。。擦！可耻滴失败鸟。。。。

26. 黑猩猩不小心踩到了长臂猿拉的大便，长臂猿温柔细心地帮其擦洗干净后它们相爱了。别人问起他们是怎么走到一起的？黑猩猩感慨地说：猿粪！都是猿粪啊！

27. 同事老公姓周，她姓夏，在讨论将来宝宝名字，想好一个简单的“周一”，大家说，不错不错，这个名字还有延续性，一口气可以生七个，从周一到周七，有人问：那如果生了第八个怎么办呢？同事说：第八个就叫夏周一

28．9对3说，我除了你，还是你；4对2说，我除了2，还是2；1对0说，我除了你，一切都没有意义；0对1说，我除了你，就是孤独的自己 。数学是最浪漫的，它比世上任何东西都要完美，它从不说谎，也不会背叛。

中外幽默笑话集锦篇二：中西方文化差异闹出的笑话

英语剧

中西风俗习惯差异闹出的笑话

4个人

留学生Jim受邀到宝玉家吃饭。

场景一

邀请

Baoyu: Hello, Jim. How are you today?

Jim: Not bad. What about you?

Baoyu: I’m OK. If you have time, you can come to my house to have dinner. Jim: （做贪婪状）Really? I really want to go. Can I go tonight?

Baoyu: (苦笑。我是说客套话而已啊。) OK, OK. You can come tonight.

Jim: （惊喜）You are my good friend. Oh, very very very good friend. I really want to try some special Chinese food. I like Beijing duck, dumplings, mapo tofu, shuizhu fish, gongbao chicken, hongshao pork ….

Baoyu: （无奈）Oh, my god! You are a chihuo.

场景二

见面, Jim 敲门，宝玉开门。

Baoyu: Hello. Jim. This is my mother.

Baoyu’s Mom: （伸手，准备握手）Nice to meet you.

Jim: (拥抱) Oh, Baoyu’s mother. You are so beautiful.

Baoyu’s Mom: （尴尬躲避）Welcome, welcome, welcome. Please sit down. Jim: （递上一包糖果）Here is some presents for you.

Baoyu: Thank you. You don’t need to bring these things.

Jim: Really? OK, I’ll bring it back.（放回自己的口袋）

Baoyu: （一脸黑线）Dinner is ready. Let’s have dinner.

Jim: OK.

场景三

吃饭

大家一起到餐桌，坐下，吃饭。

Jim: Oh，chopsticks! Let me try. I think I can’t use them. Can you give me a spoon. Baoyu: OK. Here you are. Please eat some fish.（给Jim夹鱼肉）

Jim: No, thank you. I can help myself.

Baoyu: Don’t be courteous.

Baoyu’s mother: Please eat some chicken. Please eat some duck. Please eat some tofu. Please eat some egg…

Jim: （眼睛瞪大）You are so hospitable. I can help myself.

Baoyu: Don’t be courteous. Eat… eat…（继续夹菜给Jim）

Jim: （尴尬无奈地吃）

Baoyu: I am so happy you can come. Let’s drink some wine. Cheers.

Jim: （喝了一口）Good wine. Good wine.

Baoyu: Oh, you must drink it all. Yes, yes, one cup again. （继续倒酒）

Jim: Oh, no no no … I can’t drink so much wine.

Baoyu: Give me face, friend. Drink it all…

Jim: （无奈喝掉, 结果因为吃太饱喝太多晕倒。）

Baoyu: Call 110.

中外幽默笑话集锦篇三：英语笑话集锦

Only a few words

At a court the judge is interrogating a mugger but gets into difficulty because the mugger is a foreigner who doesn't speak English. "Don't you speak English at all?" the judge asks. "Only a few words," replies the mugger.

"What words do you know?"

"Your purse or your life!"

Marry Him

Jane loved Tony , but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. "How can I stop Tony spending so much money on me?" She asked her mother

Gallant Effort

At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess. At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked, "What a small appetite you have tonight, Mr. Jones."

"To sit next to you," he replied gallantly, "would cause any man to lose his appetite."

I am the Driver

The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn't let him aboard.

"It's too crowded," they shouted. "What do you think you are?"

"I'm the driver," he said

I want a nightmare

Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I' passed today's exam." "Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied. "Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects n my dream tonight," Tom said.

I can go home

One day after school the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home earlier." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up!" "It's me," said Bob, "Now, I

can go home. Good-bye, Sir."

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me,&quo

t; replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."

"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

Good news and bad news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead."Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

It worked

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

Business just started

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and

had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

You can married one of them

One day girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Blonde Tries To Repair Her Car

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not"? asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

I am a Busy Man

One day a bunch of naughty children wanted to make fun of him and said to him:" There are birds' eggs on that tree. Won't you get them for us please? We can't climb up."

Loath to disappoint the children, he was ready to climb the tree. But knowing that the mischievous youngsters would make off with his boots if he left them on the ground, he tied them to his waist-band before he started the climb.

"We'll take care of your boots for you!" the children chorused.

"No, thank you!" was he reply. "I am a busy man. And as soon as I've got the eggs for you;I'll make my way home along the tree-tops."

Not too Bad

"Did you sell any of your paintings at the art show?"

"No, but I am encouraged," he replied. "Somebody stole one

When a Tiger comes

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

It depends

Traveler: Can I catch the three o'clock train to Toronto?

Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run. It left fifteen minutes ago.

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