冷笑话英语

冷笑话英语篇一：看笑话学英语笑话大全爆笑翻译

1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"

2.The Looney Bin

Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

疯人院

一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑！”另一个说：“你怎么知道？”第一个人说：“上帝对我说的！”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说！”

Notes:

（1）Looney (俚语）疯子

（2）inmate （n.同住者, 同室者(特指在医院、监狱)）

（3）insane asylum (疯人院）

3.Boxing and Running

Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box."

Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."

拳击和赛跑

丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”

朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？”

丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”

NOTE

come up against 遇到一个对手 against表示相对的相反的

4.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell.

So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?"

George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"

典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情，因为每逢周末的探访日，大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访，但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。

因此在一个探访日，典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说：“乔治，我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上：“告诉我，你没有任何朋友或家人吗？”

乔治回答：“喔！当然有，典狱长，只不过他们全都在这里面！”

5.Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?

Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？

男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。

6.A shoplifter（商店扒手）51kxh.cn |was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook（骗子，坏蛋） looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."

一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样？”

经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。"

7.The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by asentry（哨兵） . When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams（缝合线） . [来自我要看笑话51kxh.cn]

"What's in here?" he asked.

"Dirt," the driver replied.

"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.

"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.

Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender（酒保） .

冷笑话英语篇二：英语脑筋急转弯及冷笑话= =

英语脑筋急转弯

Questions：

1.Who is closer to you， your mom or your dad？ 爸爸和妈妈谁和你更亲？

2.What month do soldiers hate？ 当兵的不喜欢几月份？

3.How many feet are there in a yard？一码有多少英尺？

4.What is heavier in summer than in winter？什么东西夏天比冬天重？

5.What clothing is always sad？什么衣服总是伤感的？

6.How many legs do horses have？马有几条腿？

7.What fruit is never found singly？什么水果永远不会是单个的？

8.What kind of clothes lasts the longest？什么衣服穿得最久？

9.Does any child like going to school？有没有小孩子喜欢上学？

10.Why are giraffes the cheapest to feed？为什么养长颈鹿最不花钱？

11.How can you make the door last？ 怎样能使门经久耐用？

12.What’s the most difficult train to catch？赶什么火车最不容易？

13.Why do people go to bed？ 人们为什么睡觉？

14. What letter do most people fear most？ 大多数人最害怕什么字母？

15.What two words contain thousands of letters？哪两个单词包含了所有的字母？

16.Which state in the United States is round at both ends and high in the middle？ 美国哪个州两头圆，中间高？

17.What’s the smallest room in the World？世界上什么房间最小？

18.What did the big chimney say to the little chimney while working？ 工作时大烟囱对小烟囱说些什么？

19.How long is a shoe， usually？一般鞋有多长？

20.Which can move faster， heat or cold？ 冷和热谁跑得快？

21.What comes before six？六前面是什么？

22.Who will be your real friend， a poor friend or a rich one？

贫穷的朋友和富贵的朋友，谁会成为你真正的朋友？

23.What color is the wind？风是什么颜色？

Keys and notes 答案和注释:

1.Mom is closer， because dad is farther． 妈妈更亲，因为爸爸更远。 father父亲，音似farther更远

2.March． 三月。 march n．行军

3.It depends on how many people stand in the yard．这要看院子里站了多少人。 feet n．英尺；脚（pl．）yard n．院子；码

4.heavy adj．重的；交通量大的，繁忙的

5.Blue Jeans． 蓝色牛仔服。 blue adj．蓝色的；伤感的

6.six legs--forelegs in front and two in back．

有六条腿，前面有前腿，后面有两条腿。 forelegs n．前腿，音似four legs（四条腿）

7.A pear．是梨。音似 pair n．一对

8.Underwear， because it’s never worn out．

是内衣，因为它永远不会穿在外面

worn out穿坏，磨损/穿在外面

9.Every child likes going to school． Most of them just hate staying there before going home．

每个孩子都喜欢去学校，大部分的孩子只不过不喜欢在回家之前呆在那儿罢了。 go to School有两种理解：①在学校读书，上学；②去学校，上学校

10.They make a little food go a long wag．

因为它们脖子长，一点点食物都要走很长的路才能咽下去。

go a long way维持很长一段时间

11.Make other things first． 先做其他的东西。

make the door last另一种理解是：最后做门

12.The 12：50 train， because it’s ten to one if you catch it．

是12点50分的火车，因为赶上它只有10比1的概率。

ten to one 1点差10分；10比1

quarter/＇kw&:t/n．四分之一；二十五美分

13.Because the bed won’t come to us．因为床不会走向我们。

go to bed另一种理解是：走向床，走到床跟前

14.The letter E， because it’s the end of life．是字母E，

因为它是“life”这个单词末尾的字母。“It’s the end of life.”另一种理解是：它是生命的结束。

15.Post Office. 邮局。 letter n．信件；字母

16. Ohio．俄亥俄州。 Ohio两头是O，中间是hi，音似high。

17.A mushroom.是蘑菇。

18.“You’re too young to smoke．”“你还年轻，不该抽烟。”smoke v.抽烟；冒烟

19.A little more than a foot long． 一英尺多一点。

foot n．英尺；脚 “A little more than a foot long”实指“比脚长点点”。

20.Heat， because you can catch cold．热跑得快，因为你追得上冷。

cold n．冷；感冒 catch cold追上冷；患感冒

21.The milkman． 送牛奶的人。

“What comes before six？” 另一种理解是：什么在六点钟之前来？

22. A poor friend，

because a friend in need is a friend indeed．贫穷的朋友，因为患难之交是真情。 a friend in need患难之交 in need需要帮助，需要资助，穷困的

23.The wind blew风在吹 Blue．蓝色。

Questions：

1. Who works only one day in a year butnever gets fired?

谁一年只上一天却不会被开除？

2. Why does the Statue of Lib-erty stand in New York harbou?

自由女神为何矗立在纽约港湾？

3 Why doi birds fly south? 鸟为什么往南飞?

4 When can you go as fast as aracing car? 什么时候你能像跑车一样快？ Keys:

1. Santa Claus. 圣诞老人.

2. Because it can't sit down. 因为它不能坐下.

3. It's too far to walk. 走着去太远了.

4. When you're in it. 当你坐在跑车里时.

Questions：

1. Why are giraffes the cheapest to feed?为什么养长颈鹿最不花钱？

2. Why are dogs afraid to sunbathe?狗为什么害怕日光浴？

3. Why is the pig always eating?猪为什么没完没了地吃？

4、Why are politicians no longer concerned with snowball fights?

政客们为什么不再关注打雪仗了？

5、Why dont women get bald as soon as men?为什么总是男人比女人先秃头？

6、What can pierce ones ears without a hole?什么不用打洞就可以在耳朵上穿孔？

7. Whats the longest word in the world?世界上最长的单词是什么？

8. Why does time fly?时间为何飞逝？

9. Where can a dog get another tail?狗去哪里可以再弄到一条尾巴？

Keys:

1. They make a little food go a long way.因为它们脖子长，一点点食物都要走很长的路才能咽下去。

2. They dont want to be hot-dog.因为它们不想成为热狗。

3. Hes making a hog of himself.它想成为一只肉猪。

4、The cold war is over.冷战结束了。

5、Because women wear hire longer.因为女人头发留得长。

6、Noice.噪音。

7. Smiles. Because theres a mile between the letter s.微笑。因为两个字母S中间隔了一里。

8. To get away from all those who are trying to kill it.为的是甩掉所有要谋杀它的人。

9. At a retail store.在零售商店。

Questions：

1.Will it rain for several days continuously？ 会不会连续几天阴雨连绵？

2.Who can raise things without lifting them？ 什么人不用举就能把东西抬起来？

3.What did the king cloud say to the rest of the clouds？

云中之王对芸芸众生说什么？

4.Who is married to the First Lady？ 第一夫人嫁给了谁？

Keys：

1.Never， because there're nights in between.永远不会，因为白昼之间有黑夜隔开。

2.Farmers. 农民。

3.“I'm the one who should rain here.” “我要在这里降雨。”

4.Adam. 是亚当。

Notes：

1.day n.一天；一个白昼 continuously adv.连续不断地

2.raise举起，抬起；饲养，种植

3. rain v.下雨，音似reign v.统治

4.the First Lady第一夫人，总统夫人 the first lady第一位女士，指夏娃

Questions：

1.What does the man who just had his face shaved resemble？

刚刚修过胡须的男人像什么？

2.Why did the farmer take his chicken to task？ 农夫为什么训斥小鸡？

3.How do we know the ocean is friendly？ 人们如何知道海洋是友好的呢？ Keys：

1.A bear. 像熊。

2.Because they use foul language. 因为它们说脏话。

3.It waves. 它总是招手致意。

Notes：

1.resemble v.与?相像

冷笑话英语篇三：英语幽默笑话带翻译

英语幽默笑话带翻译

1:A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor, Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 医生懂得多

一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多."

2:You can't go without me

The bus is very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him. "Hey,let me get on the bus."the man shouts.

"It's too crowded.You'd better take the next bus."a passenger says to him.

"But you can't go withou me.I'm the driver."the man says.

没有我你们走不了

公共汽车上很拥挤.一位男士想上车,但是没有人给他让路.

"喂,让我上车!"那位男士喊道.

"车太挤了,你最好坐下一辆"车上的一位乘客对他说.

"但是没有我你们走不了.我是司机!"那位男士说道.

3:Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."

"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

4:Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 5:Dear white, something you got to know .When I was born, I was black.When I grow up, I am blackWhen I'm under the sun, I'm blackWhen I'm cold, I'm blackWhen I'm afraid, I'm black.

When I'm sick, I'm black.When I die, I'm still black.you---white

people,When you were born, you were pink.When you grow up, you become white.You're red under the sun.You're blue when you're cold.You are yellow when you're afraid.You're green when you're sick.You're gray when you die.And you, call me "color"?

亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。 当我出生时，我是黑色的我长大了，我是黑色的我在阳光下，我是黑色的我寒冷时，我是黑色的我害怕时，我是黑色的我生病了，我是黑色的当我死了，我仍是黑色的。你---白种人，当你出生时，你是粉红色的。你长大了，变成白色的。你在阳光下，你是红色的。你寒冷时，你是青色的。你害怕时，你是黄色的。你生病时，你是绿色的。当你死时，你是灰色的。而你，却叫我「有色人种」？

6：Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”

“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。

那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”

哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”

7：How Many Rabbits?

Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have? Jonathan:Nine, sir.

Teacher: Nine?

Jonathan:I've got one already, sir.

多少只兔子？

老师：好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？

乔纳森：一共有九只，先生。

老师：九只？

乔纳森：先生，我本来就有一只。

8：These Are My Jeans

After going on a diet，a woman felt really good about

herself----especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago．

“Look，look．” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband．“I can wear my old jeans again．”

Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，but these are my jeans．”

那是我的裤子!

一个妇女在减肥一段时间后自我感觉特别好——特别是当她又能穿上很早以前就穿不上的牛仔裤时。她跑下楼冲她丈夫喊道：“快看，快看。我又能穿上以前的裤子了。”她丈夫看了她好一会儿，然后说：“亲爱的，我爱你。但那是我的裤子。”

9：The mean man's party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?" 吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

10：All I do is pay

"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My wife

is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign secretary."

"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your position?"

"I'm the people. All I do is pay."

我要做的一切就是付钱

布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子

是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。

”

“听上去挺有意思的，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢？”

“我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。”

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